PW is over.. i guess i should be happy about that right? or is this smile simply a facade..
i try to smile.. every now and any other random then.. momentary jubilation i would call it.. sad moments and guilt tend to have a longer lasting impact on u.. its a cruel fact of life..
how true it is..
it was during the night cycle.. my bike was having some problems so i ended up moving to the back of the group.. the rest went ahead.. i caught up with liying and she had this terrified look on her face.. her eyes told of lost and anxiety.. complexion told of insecurity and fear.. she relied on me to lead the way.. fearing she might have gone astray.. i tried my best to console her and reassure her.. but experience in this i severely lack.. her tone became more scared.. i could tell she was holding back tears.. i knew i was on the right, somewhat i guessed.. i wanted to be doubly sure so i stopped and pondered.. that was when liying almost broke down.. she asked.. well more of a desperate request for me to call to ensure we are where i thought we are.. we found the way in the end.. a sense of relief calmed me.. i asked if she was alright.. her reply.. obviously was she was.. but her tone didn seem right.. i felt guilt.. guilt that i made her worry.. that i made her fear.. made her insecure.. what am i.. a 17year old male.. not even able to provide her a sense of security she needed at that moment.. logical reasoning would tell me that its not my fault as i was not familiar with the place.. that i do not have photographic memory.. but still i felt this overwhelming sense of guilt and that it was my fault..
everyone was on the floor going to sleep and already snoozing when we reached.. i headed for the beach and just sat there.. i didn tink anyone really noticed.. or at least i thought no one did.. i just sat there as i hear the wave lapped.. eyes scanning past the darken horizon.. a dark blue picture of pulau ubin.. i sat there and prayed.. i talked to him.. and i sang.. it calmed me.. i felt him.. i wonder just how long was it since i actually did this for so long.. i was there for almost 20min.. it was that long..
Wee Liang noticed my absence.. i lied saying i just went to the beach to stone and space out.. maybe it was true.. but more accurately i was pouring my heart out to someone i knew was willing to hear me..
Liying.. it doesen really matter if u dun read this.. i just want u to know.. i'm sorry for what i've done and for what i was not able to accomplish..
残念
유감스러운
抱歉
traurig
i probably wont talk and tink abt this anymore.. but i know it will be lock in my memory.. for those who know.. dun bring it up k? i feel bad enough as it is.. =(

(8:02 PM)