i find myself really quiet the past 2 days.. even during the learning journey.. this despite me having fun at katong playing pool with half of my class.. yea.. half.. maybe less.. cuz the class literally split into 2 "factions".. sigh.. i really don't know what to do.. i've been zoning out ever too often.. thinking about why this is so.. an answer never did come.. i do not know why..

i ain't myself the past few days.. been way too quiet for my own good.. not my usual jovial self.. i actually felt empty inside.. probably due to recent incidents which i will not digress into.. went to bishan with kevan today.. for the interview to be a Bay Ambassador which simply is a helper at the national day parade.. my hopes have been dampen though.. as i will not be able to make it on the actual day.. yea.. sad right.. cuz i will be having my ODAC cluster trip.. and CCA unfortunately takes priority.. sigh.. o well.. i love ODAC to the core anyways.. and at least it frees up my saturday times.. at least i get to celeb my bdae more appropriately!! *hints*.. heys.. that's as much i'm gonna tell u! lol..

anyways.. i'm leaving for M'sia tml to climb moung belumut.. cant wait for it.. although i have to report in sch like at 6.30am.. zzz.. o heck.. ODAC will rock the mountain and others will feel the mountain tremble.. wahhahaha.. ok.. i gotta go sleep now.. if not gonna be zombie tml!!

(9:46 PM)

i feel my priorities are all wrong.. i'm focusing a whole lot on CIP stuff and neglecting my studies which i most certainly hope i'm not.. i'm thinking on what i have done wrong rather than how i can improve on it.. i'm thinking about if i am not bonded enough with the class.. i undertake so many roles that the stress is nearly killing me.. i willingly pay up first without checking my pocket first.. o man..
at least i know one thing.. being withdrawn from the CSSP camp organised by heartware.. i joined the Bay Ambassador which is also organised by them.. so i hope that can clear my debt.. not that i wanted to withdraw.. we were withdrawn by the school when they learnt of our involvement.. sigh..
i'm not entirely sure what is happening to me.. church seems to have taken a step back in my priorities.. not that i want to but rather the activities which i am engaged in forced me to do so.. my cell grp leader thinks otherwise.. she thinks that i am backsliding and making up excuses to miss cell grp and service.. these are the 2 things which i will want to miss most! somehow that message never did get across to her.. plus.. my academics comes first above everything else.. i do not care what u say abt my passion towards GOD.. it is always there, burning and shining bright amid the thunderstorm.. u will not question it.. but now that u have.. i am hurt.. a dagger stabbed into my heart of faith.. such incidents should never happen.. maybe u didn mean it.. but it sounded very much like it.. here's an example..
i have been missing svc and cell grp the past 2 weeks due to my extremely packed schedules which i am unable to take an early leave.. and when a cell grp outreach BBQ at ECP comes.. and i cannot attend as i have something on the next day early in the morning.. my CGL sends me the sms in reply to mine.. "its ok.. u go ahead with your school stuff.. we'll have fun"..
it is obviously implying that i should come for the outreach even if it meant i have to become a zombie the next day and possibly collaspe on the floor due to the lack of rest.. sigh.. i really do not know what to say..
now i have undertaken a new CIP project under my shoulders which would mean my saturdays would have to be sacrificed and church be compromised as all of its trainings are saturday based.. i wonder what will u say then.. or maybe what my CGL will say when he return from his break.. i do not know.. but i hope he is more understanding.. i may not be in church.. but i will shine for GOD in other areas.. in the marketplace as i make an impact in other people's life.. isnt that what pastor kong have longed told us to do? i am carrying that statement out in reality and u seem to be disagreeing with what i do.. my gosh..

My studies will always come second.. followed by CCA and CIP.. SERVICE will always be first.. never doubt that.. i never did.. i try my utmost to attend it.. even to the disagreement of my parents.. only that u do not know.. of cuz u dont.. u never did ask now have you.. i dont know what to say now..
MARK my words.. i will attend EMERGE.. this despite the fact i would most likely be shagged by my m'sia mountain climbing trip.. i will attend.. u cannot doubt me then.. fire me with the questions and doubts u have about me then.. i will reply with the fiery of passion from within my heart.. that u can be assured.. that taking that u will actually ask me..

(12:20 AM)

(10:48 PM)

When you know you have nothing to lose
When you know it's only you and your will to break the rules
When you know things can only get better
When you are walking the barriers of everything you know
Only then will you get to look inside yourself and really see your world

something i thought about during my "free" time in JC.. ok.. so maybe it wasnt exactly free time.. i kinda zoned out during lesson and thought of this..
this kinda applies to almost everything we do.. in all aspect of life..
in a nut shell.. it just means u gotta know yourself.. your limits.. using your knowledge.. press on and discover your inner self.. your dreams and visions for yourself.. your purpose in life..
know what u want and pursuit it for every other thing is meaningless without that driving force.. knowing this.. u will accomplish great things in its own way.. u will attain what u set out to achieve..

for now.. its simply to get my As.. and my H3 Bio..

(11:06 PM)

i never expected not to make it.. maybe i did.. if i were to go head on with justin for QM.. he would win hands down taking into account his experience in scouts.. i thought i would at least grab a position in the ex-co.. never did i expect myself to fail.. maybe the position of REACH rep is truly a blessing in disguise.. not cuz it would make my testimonial look nice.. alright so maybe it is one of the reasons.. but more rather.. it would give my JC life a purpose.. something i can drive myself to do.. to accomplish..

becca_ kenneth,yep! being given the chance to lead isnt what life is all about. =)

i agree that given a chance to lead is not what is truly about.. but it gives me a sense of accomplishment within.. something in which i can be proud of.. something which will indefinitely aid my healing pride.. which has taken several beatings the past few months.. i shall not digress into it.. nor will i tell u anyways.. i really dun wish to talk abt it..

either ways.. so many stuff happened the past week.. firstly was NAFA.. i ran the fastest yet.. a timing of 10min29sec.. it may not be exceptionally fast.. but its my personal best.. it attained me an A grade for my 2.4km.. i did well for 5stations too.. my results are as follows..

1. Sit-Ups - 50
2. Stand board jump - 252cm
3. Sit & Reach - 52cm
4. shuttle run - 9.6sec
5. Pull-ups - 8
6. 2.4km - 10min29sec

all got an A grade except Pull-ups.. my gosh.. i needed just one more to get an A.. ahh.. so much for Meridian Ironman.. sigh.. o well..

NUS spider research led me hongqing aiman amirah to NUS for a briefing on both wed and sat.. given an insight into what we got ourselves into and the intricate instruments we had to handle.. it really is interesting and i am already excited at the prospect on researching spiders!! especially why they put web deco on their webs when it would only make it more obvious for prey and predator to see it.. hmm.. who knows.. i may just be able to crack this mystery.. and nope.. scientists are still baffled by this.. no concrete discoveries made just of yet.. unfortunately.. this research would burn out an entire week and a half of the holidays.. talk about commitment.. haha..

Colosseum.. high jumps finals commenced even before i knew it.. i wasn't even prepared for it at all!! nevertheless.. i jumped.. starting from 7jumpers and an initial height of 1.2m.. we are now down to 4.. and at a height of 1.5m.. due to erm.. unexpected performances.. lol.. the whole thing had to be adjourned to monday.. it being TML!! gosh.. i'm really not sure if i can make it through.. i will try my best.. i always have.. but now its my the bestest efforts.. or so i hope i can harness that.. doubts over my ability really ain't gonna help much.. i simply have to press on.. and persevere.. never looking back.. only forward..

as the quote says.. look up for inspiration.. look down in desperation.. but never look left or right for information..
ok.. so maybe it had little relevance to what i was putting across.. but u get the point..

with so many activities.. i had to compromise on alot of stuff.. including cheerleadin prac and cell group.. i dont mean to not go for these.. but i cant afford the time.. or more likely.. it clashed with my current activities!! anyways.. all the best to TRITON CHEERLEADING!! give em smth to rock on! give em something we can be proud of! make the other houses look on with awe!! u can do it!! i know u can.. we know u can!!


another random pic... heng with super small milo packet.. have u ever seen one so small b4??

(7:54 PM)

with everything else falling into place.. there is but these few pieces left to piece together before the end of the term..
ODAC had our Ex-co Elections.. 14brave souls stepped up to the plate.. only 6 will emerge.. i am one of the 14.. we gave our speeches.. told our jokes.. explained the extremely lame "moral" behind those jokes.. and had an erm.. Q n A.. it seriously felt more like an interrogation.. not cuz it was one.. but rather the length of the session.. we stood there.. in a line.. for around 45min.. longer then the duration taken for us to deliver our individual speeches.. many of the questions were opened to all of us.. many taken by ivan, bo bo, eugene and myself.. i am not certain if i will be able to make it.. but i must stay confident.. kevan has made it.. becca did it.. now is my turn to shine..
easier said then done though.. i nv expected the J2 to vote.. let alone the J3 and J4.. with everyone given 6 votes.. i would have to gether at least 40 votes to stand a fighting chance.. to make matters worse.. the results would be out on friday.. i have an appointment at the National Skin Center that day.. best part would be its at 3.40! at best i would reach back around 6+!! goodness.. i also have an instructor's test that day.. well at least i will have more time to study for it.. but that aint the point! i would have to take the test alone!! meaning.. it would be stricter!! o gosh.. this is seriously gonna be a prob!
to top that test.. i have 6 others coming up this week.. first of which is Nafa!! coming up on monday and thurs!! and then is bio on tues.. followed by.. get rdy for this.. chem math econs chinese on thurs.. which would make 5 tests on thurs itself! its total nonsense really! even so.. i should have expected this.. i am after all in MJC..
maybe i am enjoying myself a little too much already.. it might be too late.. esp with all the activities i planned for the june holidays.. including a camp right before the mid year exam.. i must really be out of my mind.. really.. i've lost it! should i withdraw from it? i already have done so for the zoolympix, allowing me one more weekend to study with.. would that be enuf? i mean the camp itself is 5D4N... from monday to friday.. is it going to be enuf? enuf to secure my goal of attaining a min of Cs for all the exams? i mean.. i aint in sec sch anymore..
i am really at a lost.. i need time to re-evaluate myself.. what exactly i am doing.. argh..


to end it off.. here's a random pic for yea.. ^~^
that's one for all the guys.. haha..

(8:45 PM)

hey!! gratz mj choir!! u got gold!!!
gratz becca!! wakakaka.. knew u could do it!!
gratz to all the choir ppl!!

gratz to you most of all!!

(10:26 PM)

i'm starting to love odac more and more with each passing training..especially the events.. ODAC expose is the latest of which.. was put into grp 1 this time.. with the all time best Grp Leader Amos.. ok.. so maybe he's just best for being the most jokey.. haha.. Cath has the title for being the most fun to suan at..=D.. sorry cath..
so what exactly is expose? well.. odac ppl simply walk.. swim.. kayak.. climb.. cycle a whole lot.. abseil.. etc.. its great to be grp 1.. we actually led the way for the initial part of the race.. yea.. we didn make it top in the end.. haha.. no matter though..so yup.. we had to swim non stop in bedok swimming complex.. laps after laps. i had so many cramps lah.. both my foot.. and my right calf.. zzz. had to tahan.. still managed to complete 18laps.. stupid pain.. could have swam more.. much more.. we had to move on to East Coast Mac after that.. on foot.. terrific.. we have no map.. i dont really rmb the route to east coast also lah.. so i simply led the way.. cutting through the hdb to where TJC is.. and walked the route all the way.. somehow found ourselves in ECP!! omg.. so tyoc lah.. so fast also!! we reached mac second though.. aww.. but not really far behind cuz the first team juz got on their bikes when we came..
we didn waste much time.. so we sped off juz as fast.. and completed our first station lighting fast.. nope.. no spelling mistake there.. we had to do moss code to spell a word.. using only our flash light.. so we made a simple code of our own and got down to work.. with the word.. my gosh.. so simple.. Mississippi.. yea lah! 4 type of letters only.. LOL..
o gosh.. i forgot to intro my grp.. we have jasmine.. bing wen.. zahrah and myself!! =D.. jasmine managed to decipher the code rather quickly.. thanks!! =D..
i dun really rmb all the stations.. but there is the fishing station!! haha.. so dumb sia.. had to use a really freaked out commscord.. it was super coiled lah.. we had to use that with a paper clip attached to fish out stuff which are like 4-5m below us in the sea.. zzz..
at work making our fishing rod.. well.. it looks like one.. i think
jasmine.. zahrah.. me.. bing wen.. sia lah.. i stand out..[no offence!!]

we fished out one target and it read try again.. with romario face drawn on it.. zzz.. fished another.. and this time it was BINGO!! woohoo.. why muz try again sia.. fishing one out is bad enuf liao lah.. so all the stuff went on.. and we cycled to NSRCC for the night..
jasmine!! walking to ecp from bedok..
ME.. zahrah and jasmine and amos in bg.. =D [to see amos.. plz enlarge photo]

next day is fun fun fun!! did rock climbing.. abseil and kayak!! so fun lah.. but we had to walk all the way back to bedok.. gosh.. that totally sucks..we tried taking another route.. the park connector.. wahhahaha.. bad move..it way longer.. ahh.. sorry ppl!!
hey jasmine.. dun worry that u weren't able to complete the rock climbing.. no one is able to do everything.. dun take all the blame on yourself.. we're a team.. we succeed as one.. fail as one.. celeb as one.. and feel sad as one.. dun worry so much!! what matters is u put in your all!!
ODAC guys.. well.. some of us.. =D
u had to take the picture joseph.. =/

yup.. 6.95km to go.. note.. we started from 8.56km
that's one long way to go..
FINALLY!!

so the race ended with us kayaking and racing to sheng shoing! haha.. we didn make it.. but still top 4!! haha.. yea.. we're forth.. no matter great job ppl!!

this is the last race for jun kai and nuzurath!! so gonna miss u 2!!
jun kai.. we cant form our dream team!! ahh!! nvm.. all the best in SC u 2!!

(1:03 PM)

life hasn't been easy.. it never has been.. it never is.. never will..
life ain't a bed of roses.. not cause its too expensive to get one.. but that too many problems surfaces
life aint something we can control.. i believe in destiny.. not in fate.. but are these problems something i am destined to overcome?

we do not live in a life of cartoon motion.. not one of our own fantasy.. not of our own paradise..
we stand in a world of cruelty, a world of injustice, a world of unfairness, a world of politics..
having you in our group means nothing.. u requesting for a change wont do anything.. it is not decided by us.. but by the higher-ups in the hierarchy.. nothing u say whine will do anything.. face it..

there are 2 things in which we can counter a problem.. face it.. delude it.. i will choose to face it.. but i guess u choose the latter.. u always have..
is it God's will that the 3 of us to suffer? is it His will for us to overcome this together..

i hope u face reality.. snap out of your own fantasy.. i besiege u to destroy that sandcastle in your mind..daydreaming wont help.. excuses ain't gonna do much.. stop escaping.. face the problem.. for it will always exist till its solve.. solve the problem.. resolve the hatred u have made.. ask someone to help u.. if u have the courage to.. the integrity to admit u are wrong..

i have failed so many a times before.. i have stood up 1 more time i fall.. i will not allow this to beat me down.. i will not allow this to hinder my future.. i will not allow an imbecile to ruin my academics.. i will not allow a bona fecal to stop us all in our tracks..

steppin up to the plate is easy.. executing is alright.. gettin the act together is always hard but not impossible.. *so long all cooperates*.. i will step up.. i will lead.. i will get our act together..

3 things in life man must do.. Lead.. Follow.. or Get out of the way.. u choose.. i made my choice.. its always the same for me.. for u too.. but i hope u change.. and pick the right one this time..





i see u in school everyday.. those radiant eyes staring into mine..
u wont know who am i.. but i know who u are..
u will know in due time.. but not of now..
i wish u the best of luck.. for what may come to be..
bring back honours.. for all to be proud of..
i will stand by you.. thick and thin..
i will listen to your thoughts.. sweet or bitter..
question remains is will it be what i think is meant to be..
if destiny is so.. so it shall.. but till then.. the wheel of time shall turn..

(12:06 AM)