i promised a post on this.. and here it is..

my emotions had been one heck of a roller coaster ride since monday.. monday seemed like the initial lift of any typical roller coaster.. tuesday was downhill all the way.. despite the generally good results.. and the very fact that i had improved by a whole 10points in terms of L1R5 from mid year.. there was something in my head that told me it wasn't my best.. that it was far from my best.. it was but the tip of the ice berg of what i am truly capable of... friends around me congratulated me. taunted and mocked me at my results.. which if u recall were the science, humans and english papers.. i managed a meager smile to respond to their remarks as a simple means of courtesy.. that was the main reason why i did so.. but there was a stronger point.. they didn't fair as well as me in terms of results.. telling them i was displeased with what i had may be seen as an act or a showing of my unpleasent arrogant smile which i had weilded during the start of the year in response to an ugly incident which became a battle for standing up for my morals and principles. knowing i can no longer control the devastation within me.. i scurried off towards the 4B people during the humans and EL papers.. for which i knew they would fair as well or better then me. at least i know i will be able to express the discontent i had more easily.. that seemed the other way around for humans though.. sigh..
reaching home.. the mask/facade was removed and i simply went berzerk.. i garnered all my strength and simply punched my room's door.. leaving a very much significant dent on it.. my knuckles bled but it was a minor wound.. nothing that can be compared with what i felt inside.. i had to search for an alternative avenue in which i could vent my fustration upon.. i turned to my computer.. Dawn Of War.. where i indulged myself in a cyber world where i know i am in command and began a masscre of my AI opponents.. it was to an extent a satisfying moment but it ended as soon i stopped and the feeling set back in almost immediately..
Receiving the rest of the results simply made matters worse.. my dream of entering TJC for the first 3months faded away from my grasp.. my best pals scored 13s.. 3 of them.. all aiming to land a place in TJC too.. they made it.. i didn't.. i felt inferior.. i felt stupid.. i felt as if it was the end of the world for me.. i took the results to be that of my O lvls.. i took it that seriously.. where could i go with 18points i wondered.. SJC,PJC,IJC,MI.. these were out of the question.. i found solace only when my friend told me that i still stand a chance in entering TJC.. as the points set initially was merely a guague and i may just enter.. taking that the bulk of those applying fall within my range.. which was highly immpossible..
could i simply be clinging onto a thread of "false" hope? one that could elevate me back to my normal carefree self? could i really be that desperate to enter TJC? if so why did i not work harder? what i wanted i did not attain.. what i did not want came true.. sigh..the tinge of devastation still lurked within me. i do not think that it would leave anytime soon.. not at least until i conince myself that going to any other JC would be just fine.. which obviously was not.. i had to change this mentality of mine if i wish to fully concentrate upon my O lvl preperation..
God Help Me..please..

(8:37 PM)