sitting at the corner of the hall in group 170 as indicated by the sitting arrangement given to us.. i maintained a calm composure.. taking out my physics to read in preperation for the mock exam the next day.. my friends around me were either frantically reading through oral notes or asking me what were they to do during oral later.. i recall being asked the question if i felt any stress at all awaiting my turn to come.. i simply replied no.. but.. that was only a facade i put on in the midst of the stress and anxiety i felt within me.. i should say it was a way of boosting my confidence but that very facade shatters as soon as i was the only one remaining..
thoughts raced through my mind.. the memory of attaining a mere 30 for my prelim oral haunts me for i have always been capable of doing better.. it didn't matter if the examiners were strict or not.. it was the way i answered i guessed.. or the suspision my prelim examiner had on me.. Nevertheless.. what i felt now was the same i did during the Chinese O lvl oral.. if i was able to overcome that and improve from my mid year PASS and score a MERIT in O lvls.. i do not see any reason that i would do as badly as i had for my prelims.. yes.. 30/40 though a distinction is a bad mark.. i always had high expectations of myself for English oral since primary school espcially after the day my Primary 5 teacher informed me that i aced the final year exam with a perfect score.. i still find it hard to believe even till today.. but i guessed that boosted my self-esteem and confidence..

For some reasons.. i had been experiencing mental blocks these days.. and it had to happen during the most dire times.. mock exams.. i had Phy and Chem yesterday and Bio today.. all i suffered from mental block.. a sign that i had been studying too much? i doubt.. too little? out of the question.. a sign that i need to put in more effort and try not to panic during exams? definitely.. is my animus towards studying virtual? or is it real.. is it truly driven my grades or to prove myself.. or simply to go through the motion.. am i bluffing myself that i will be able to score good enough to enter TJC? are my long concentration spans now a way of atoning for the long hours i spent daydreaming of the ideal life.. a world of my dreams.. so much that i bemoan the gap that seperates me from reality..
i have bleakness of impressions as to what i am doing.. i am questioning my purpose of existance on this world.. i am questioning myself as to why am i dooming myself in so many ways..questioning whether my friends are really there when i need them or are they just faking the friendship i hold so dear with them.. are these all true? or are these feelings simply an illusion created by the greatest of them.. the brain.. is there truly a need to think the way i am now? in a way that i am condemning myself and not facing reality?
my mind's organisation is simply in a chaotic mess.. i am unable to comprehend even the simplest meaning of life.. i feel nonchalent in almost everything i do and undertake.. sigh

i guess thats just a scenario of what happens when your world crumbles down on you.. and i will not succumb to that fate.. even if it was destiny that i will have to go through that phase.. i will do everything in my power to avert and avoid it.. for now.. its onwards to prelims.. and FIRST 3 MONTHS..

(9:34 PM)