there i was in that hall.. sitting at my allocated place.. mind in a swirl going through all the formulas which i have painstakenly memorize the past few weeks.. as i mumbled to myself to recall them.. deep within the enclosures of my mind.. i know it was a battle for my freedom.. im not really sure whether anyone even knew this..
people probably would treat this mid year as smth trivial.. a part of a typical secondary 4 student in singapore.. an exam one had no hope of surviving.. or one would put it as an attempt to overcome extremely fucked up papers.. another a way for the school to force the cohort into remedial and spark our mind that it is still not too late to start preparing.. to me.. it is much more than just that alone..
true as what others might have said.. mine is a completely different point of view.. one which has been personalised.. to me.. it is a battle for freedom as i have stated above.. one that would determine how i would lead my life till GCE O levels.. if my marks are below satisfaction.. study groups would be taken away, i would be forced to mug everyday.. i will not be able to be writing this entry as i am doing right now.. the one satuary that i can feel a sense of belonging, a sense of renewed faith, the place that would inspire me to carry on with life no matter how big the burden of dispair and failure one must carry.. those who know.. well.. it is church.. the sacred place where i can be close to him.. the one place where i can be intimate with him.. to tell him all my sorrows.. the one place where people will never laugh at you.. never mock at you.. never criticise you.. a place where everyone seems so different from the Singapore i know..
if even that is taken away from my grasp.. i have no idea what am i going to do abt my life.. u maybe thinking that it cant be that bad since i have endured it for the past 3 months.. yes and no.. yes cuz it is my main driving force to make me study..to be able to step back into that building without fearing that i will not be able to do so the following week..[happened during svc on easter] that was the kind of feeling i had.. not being able to go back.. i cant even bear to harbor that thought.. everyone in church whom i know.. have been encouraging me.. calling me to check on me.. to talk to me to assure me that everything is going to be alright.. i thank you.. this is the reason as to why i cannot go below my expectations.. or my parents expectations for that matter.. getting an improvement from the earlier common test aint going to be any feat.. i muz get what i got during my lower sec days.. before i came under the influence of several events.. which have unfortunately produced undesirable outcomes.. these are what have architect my short comings during that past year.. and i muz move out of that.. and rise from the rubbles and debris which covers me..
what has been done cannot be undone.. how true that is.. i agree totally with that.. i have studied, burned the midnight oil, sat for the exam and now here i am typing this entry.. the only written paper left is Emath 1... which will take place on monday.. the rest which remains are CL listening and phy/chem 1[MCQ].. after which is the EL oral..
i just wish i can pass through this ordeal.. and by god's grace.. i know i can..

(7:39 PM)